The Shape of Love (Personal)

Wolf and cat and fox

What our movie nights look like now.

You folks who have had to come out to family and friends know that it’s hard to pick the right time. Holidays are often the most convenient time because everyone’s together, and yet there’s so much else going on that it’s still tough to figure out where to drop a big piece of news. But this is the Internet and everyone’s always around, so if you could gather round, I’d like to tell you about a big positive change in my life.

It’s been going on for years, actually, and a lot of you already know about it. Kit and I have added a third person to our relationship, a Geoffroy’s Cat who goes by the name of Hashtag. You’ve likely seen him around if you’re a furry who reads social media. Hashtag’s been effectively living with us for about three years now, but officially moved in a year ago. If you follow him, you know he’s sharp-witted and very funny, but he’s also really sweet and he will probably kill me for telling you all that. But you guys know me and you know I wouldn’t fall in love with anyone who wasn’t.

The path to this place wasn’t easy, and involved a lot of communication and missteps and trial and error. But it’s been great for a good long time now, and all indications are that it’s going to continue to be, at least as well as anyone can read a relationship. Hashtag complements me and Kit in many ways, and, most importantly, communicates well with us.

Since the idea of adding a person to our couple first came up, I’ve learned a lot about poly relationships. As you might expect, adding a person to a couple creates several possible relationship configurations. These are often described in shapes: a “V” when one person has two relationships but those others aren’t in as strong a relationship; a triangle when all three are in a strong relationship (there’s a quick one-minute video about that here: https://www.multiamory.com/mm-episode/multiamory-minute-07-poly-relationship-shapes). So to be clear: we’re a triangle, not a “V.” Each of us loves the other two, we’re all on equal footing.

And the language of polyamory isn’t commonly known, besides which (just as with couples) everyone has their own preferences. So here are the words we use to refer to each other and which you guys can use if you want. Kit and I are still legally married; Kit is my husband and I’m his husband. Hashtag is my boyfriend and Kit’s boyfriend and we are his boyfriends. We are also all each other’s partner, which is maybe the most equitable term although it’s a touch clinical and none of us feel it like we do the others. Still okay though. “Significant others” is fine if you’re feeling 90s, and of course we’re furries so “your fox” and “your wolf” and “your cat” also work. We are collectively a family or maybe a triad; Hashtag is okay with the term “thruple” but it makes me feel bitey, so use at your own risk. Maybe I’ll get used to it.

And because I want to demystify things, if you guys have questions about how our three-way relationship works, ask away. I’m not going to talk about private information (“o hai Kyell how’s your sex life?”), but if you’re like “I can’t imagine how you tell your families” or “what do you do when two of you want to do something and the other doesn’t?”, ask away (many of our family members know, some do not, based on our judgment of how well they’d handle the information–much like your family members about your non-traditional relationship/furry fandom membership).

(Also, we’re furries, and sometimes we commission artists, and that means that certain aspects of our private information are available in certain places that I’m sure you know.)

Anyway, I’m glad to be open about this. My boyfriend deserves a public acknowledgment, because he’s been awesome. My husband, as you know, is also awesome and remains so. <3 <3 Thanks guys for listening, and happy 2018.

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7 Responses to The Shape of Love (Personal)

  1. Siphedious says:

    I’m afraid I’ve been exposed (poor word choice?) to polyamory for long enough now that I think most of my general questions have likely already been answered, and I fear I don’t know you well enough for specific questions to come to mind, so I’ll just wish the three of you congratulations and a world of happiness!

    I’ll also take a moment to pat myself on the back for such a long sentence, because coyote. :p

    Thank you for sharing this with us!

  2. pj wolf says:

    “Thruple” seems like a super awkward term so I can understand why you’d feel bitey when it’s referred to you. Triad, however, definitely sounds nice. Also kinda like you three are uniting to be MORE POWERFUL THAN ANYBODY COULD IMAGINE!!!!

    Also I think I need to see the Room at some point.

    I don’t really have much to say besides words of support. I hope the relationship continues going strong, and congratulations you three!

    • Siphedious says:

      Oh god, nobody needs to see The Room at some point. :p

      That said, The Disaster Artist is pretty great.

  3. Midnight Hunter says:

    This is the first time I’ve really heard about this kind of relationship working, It’s great to hear that it’s working well for the three of you and hope your lives only improve from here on out. What brought about the idea of adding another person into the mix along with how did you choose who to ask?

    Hope the holidays weren’t too hectic and that where you’re at wasn’t too cold.

  4. anon says:

    i think i am at the bigining of something similar, but and even tho we love each other, we are kinda scared of entering the relationship as a relationship. some times i feel like an intruder and they assure me im not, and i do belive them and love them.
    so yeah what we have talked and one of the fears was getting together and somehow losing each other.
    i dont know, im new to all this, i did not expect to fall in love for both of them. sorry if im rambling, its just nice to see someone else have something similar to my situation and being happy, gives me hope for the future.
    and lastly, i love your books dude, maybe some day you will write something about this? i would absolutely love to read it.

    • Kyell says:

      Part of the reason I’m talking about this is to provide more examples for people to know that it’s possible. We benefited from many friends who were in poly relationships and that helped us proceed with some confidence, so I’m hoping to pay it forward. The important thing we’ve found is to communicate all the time, and understand that you’re all going to maybe over-communicate some, but all in the service of making sure everyone’s on the same page. There’s more chance of misunderstanding when there’s more people involved, so it’s important that everyone be patient and open with each other. And good luck!

  5. TimidGrizzly says:

    Congratulations on having others in your life that love you and that allow you to love them. I hope this leads to many years of happiness for all.