The Shape of Love (Personal)

Wolf and cat and fox

What our movie nights look like now.

You folks who have had to come out to family and friends know that it’s hard to pick the right time. Holidays are often the most convenient time because everyone’s together, and yet there’s so much else going on that it’s still tough to figure out where to drop a big piece of news. But this is the Internet and everyone’s always around, so if you could gather round, I’d like to tell you about a big positive change in my life.

It’s been going on for years, actually, and a lot of you already know about it. Kit and I have added a third person to our relationship, a Geoffroy’s Cat who goes by the name of Hashtag. You’ve likely seen him around if you’re a furry who reads social media. Hashtag’s been effectively living with us for about three years now, but officially moved in a year ago. If you follow him, you know he’s sharp-witted and very funny, but he’s also really sweet and he will probably kill me for telling you all that. But you guys know me and you know I wouldn’t fall in love with anyone who wasn’t.

The path to this place wasn’t easy, and involved a lot of communication and missteps and trial and error. But it’s been great for a good long time now, and all indications are that it’s going to continue to be, at least as well as anyone can read a relationship. Hashtag complements me and Kit in many ways, and, most importantly, communicates well with us.

Since the idea of adding a person to our couple first came up, I’ve learned a lot about poly relationships. As you might expect, adding a person to a couple creates several possible relationship configurations. These are often described in shapes: a “V” when one person has two relationships but those others aren’t in as strong a relationship; a triangle when all three are in a strong relationship (there’s a quick one-minute video about that here: So to be clear: we’re a triangle, not a “V.” Each of us loves the other two, we’re all on equal footing.

And the language of polyamory isn’t commonly known, besides which (just as with couples) everyone has their own preferences. So here are the words we use to refer to each other and which you guys can use if you want. Kit and I are still legally married; Kit is my husband and I’m his husband. Hashtag is my boyfriend and Kit’s boyfriend and we are his boyfriends. We are also all each other’s partner, which is maybe the most equitable term although it’s a touch clinical and none of us feel it like we do the others. Still okay though. “Significant others” is fine if you’re feeling 90s, and of course we’re furries so “your fox” and “your wolf” and “your cat” also work. We are collectively a family or maybe a triad; Hashtag is okay with the term “thruple” but it makes me feel bitey, so use at your own risk. Maybe I’ll get used to it.

And because I want to demystify things, if you guys have questions about how our three-way relationship works, ask away. I’m not going to talk about private information (“o hai Kyell how’s your sex life?”), but if you’re like “I can’t imagine how you tell your families” or “what do you do when two of you want to do something and the other doesn’t?”, ask away (many of our family members know, some do not, based on our judgment of how well they’d handle the information–much like your family members about your non-traditional relationship/furry fandom membership).

(Also, we’re furries, and sometimes we commission artists, and that means that certain aspects of our private information are available in certain places that I’m sure you know.)

Anyway, I’m glad to be open about this. My boyfriend deserves a public acknowledgment, because he’s been awesome. My husband, as you know, is also awesome and remains so. <3 <3 Thanks guys for listening, and happy 2018.

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